Heartache
A period of my life is ending , it hurts too much to describe. But tonight I will kiss your pillow again and sit by the bedroom window , where I’ll come and sit every night and look for your face in the sky.
I feel my feelings for you going out to sea
On the waves of gentle tides
That will float back sometimes,
But they are not mine anymore.
They belong in the expanse
Which surrounded us when things were good
And now holds us in a forever bond,
Of having known and loved well.
How do I know myself so well, and yet not at all?
With these wounded hands that have held my heart
For so long, first a protector, now a strangulation
Turning my strengths into an abomination
It hits me, it hits me that maybe for once
I could be wrong, I could have been wrong
That time alone inside would become my bane
Not now, not now, don’t let it out, not now
Will you start screaming and never turn back?
Or will you be crying into an endless void
For the rest of my years, for my life until rest
Best to let it go now for once, that is my choice
And it is different now the tides have turned
In my favor, for once, for once I am excited but still not at rest
I suppose that will be my state until the time comes
When I can let go and be untangled, be free
Like it never happened, it was all a dream
I’ll know myself then, to the fullest extent
And it will not be a pain anymore, but a joy.
I find myself losing the art of memory
In surveying the worn mental machinery
That was designed to ground and reorient
My mind in this journey through time;
I see the wheels of association
Have become glassy and worn, overused
In perseverating on what could have been
Confusing what was from what is not yet
Or may never truly be
Under the light of consciousness
I look inward again, grieved to see
Blind spots casting harsh shadows
All across these sentient walls
Each outline reflecting a darkness
Exceedingly opaque and unexplored
And an absence of awareness
Unworthy of its surrounding glow